Five for Friday

Now that the refs are back I'm figuring we'll get off the break even snide.

I like being insane. I like my addictive personality. When i was in my early 20's i would focus this insanity and personality into positive things like working out, and making money. Now in my 30's i've somehow fallen into this rut where i am at least working my way up with the federal government (i haven't become a pos yet guys so don't judge me) but i'm a long way from healthy and am not more addicted to horrible health.

For example, as we speak i am baking my wife and mine third red velvet cake.....OF THE WEEK!!! 

I mean wow....i know it makes me a fat slob of a person. I've gained 50lbs in the 2.5 years we've been together. But breaking out of that addictive pattern is something that is definitely on the horizon, i'm just not quite ready to do.

But with the horribly bad health habits i know that there is an end in sight. One day i will wake up and i will not be a fat slob, i will be a.....well i'll still be a fat slob but i'll start trending back to gym guy Eric.

With gambling there is no end in sight. There is only levels of winning and losing. I've always been fairly open with how consistently of a sports bet loser i am, but just to reinforce that let me remind you that i never intended to find poker (the only form of gambling i am a lifetime winner at) but rather i got referred to Bodog back in 2004 so that i could bet on sports and play blackjack. 

From that day forward i have been a losing sports bettor. I have literally NEVER been in the positive with sports.

So while i've conquered the blackjack degenerate in me and the craps degenerate in me.....and the table games degenerate in me, i have never - and never really wanted to - conquer the sports bettor degenerate in me. 

In same way shape or form that will always live on. I will always dole out my picks and leave it up to you to fade them (bet the opposite), agree with them (lose money), or outright ignore them (by far the best option). 

With that chipper intro out of the way lets get to the picks (no hot girl pics today)

SD +1 @ KC: Remember when i picked the Pats vs AZ and said, "Man, if there is one of these bets to not do this is it."? Well....Man, if there is one of these bets to not do, this is it. This is my pick of the week for "The Bet" vs The Rant but it just screams "TRAP GAME!!!" Degens, Let us unite and UNLOAD on this Lock of the Week!

NE - 3.5 @ Buffalo: Billy B isn't going to come out lightly here. Great coaches and teams know when the bleeding must stop in order to salvage the season and that is clearly this game. Brady and the Gronks ROLL!!!

STL +3 vs Seattle: Seachickens aren't at home any more which = they suck again. The Rams come into this game a bit underrated while the Seahawks come in a bit overrated. I'll take the home team plus the points for an easy win.

San Fran - 4 @ NYJ: The Jets seriously might be the worst 2-1 team in the history of the NFL and they just lost Revis. San Fran is coming off a disappointing loss and Harbaugh won't let that happen twice. I'd be shocked if the Jets score here or stop the Niners more than 4 times all game. 

Oak + 7 @ Denver: Everybody is betting Denver. Here's the thing though....Denver sucks!!! Peyton has fallen behind by 3 TD's in two straight games. Manning is throwing the ball like....well like he's had 4 neck surgeries in 2 years and will never be the same QB ever again. This isn't so much me liking the Raiders as it is hating the Broncos and thinking the public - and therefore Vegas - are overvaluing this line. 

Last Week: 2-3

Season: 4-5-1

My cake is ready which means this article is done son.

Good luck degens

Seriously degens lets get on this. Click the banner and lets own draft day

Eric goes to the doctor

And catches a case of the lazies.....and the excuses

Damn nurses!!!

So i've had this cyst on my wrist for a few....years. I had neglected it and neglected until it started really hurting and interfering with life. I went to the doctor and he laughed at me and said, "Dude....seriously how long has that been there? We need to surgically remove that. Don't worry though, you'll be back to normal the next day."

So i scheduled the surgery and like i do most things that normal humans would consider important, i forgot all about it. I mean what are wives for right?

Well Monday night the wife tells me i can't eat or drink anything b/c i'm having surgery in the morning. I go in, get the surgery and thought, "Meh i'll write my new Tuesday theme (Top Pickups Tuesdays) when i get home." Except when i got home i was in way more pain than i thought i would be (Ima pussE).

So Tuesday was not happening but i did fully intend to write a WTF Wednesday. Except here is the thing, I didn't. Instead i was fully neglecting the blog, eating some red velvet cake, and getting ready to watch Breaking Bad (I'm so ridiculously late on this show my wife and i just started watching it) and my buddy pops up on Facebook and calls me out, "Neglecting the blog again...." (and this pic is in his honor)

The thing is i dropped the ball for Tuesday, you're currently reading a WTF'ing, but i have no fucking idea what to write about.

Loyal blog readers fear not, i will do what i always do when i run out of creativity, i will post pics of slutty looking chicks that may or may not be related to this blog post and hope that tomorrow is a better day

And I'm out!!!

What the Gronk!!!

It's another Monday and after this week's games it's time for some big time reactions.

Overall my fantasy teams did well going 4-1. Obviously the lone blemish on that record coming from my favorite league. The infamous league in which i slept through the first two rounds of the draft and ended up with Gronk and Graham. The infamous league in which i just recently traded for Chris Johnson in hopes that this would be the week he turns it around.

Due to my sick drafting strategy of TE, TE, i ended up with Steven Jackson and Ahmed Bradshaw at RB1 and RB2, and Reggie Wayne at WR1 with a weekly decision of Danny Amendola or DeSean Jackson at WR2 every week (which i have gotten wrong every week).

Up until this week we were 1-1 with our only loss being a 0.4 point loss. Gronk and Graham had averaged 20pts per and my WR's were good enough with Eli Manning to look like if we got any production at RB we'd be in the thick of the race.

Then this week happened.

Bradshaw and Jackson got banged up, Gronk and Graham decided to not beast it, and Chris Johnson (yes, he has officially lost the nickname along with his fantasy starting player status on all teams for the forseeable future).

This was the risk with Bradshaw and Jackson so let's accept that. CJ2....Chris Johnson looks like he tricked us at the end of last season and should at this point be benched for almost any other starting RB.

Graham had a down game sure but he still put up double digit points in a ppr league.

This Monday Maniac Overreaction isn't about them, it's about one man (and one stupidly hot woman). A beast of a man with maybe the sickest life ever. One man who should be no child's hero but every 15 year old plus male should worship.

This freakout, is about....The Gronk!

When you are a raging degenerate you start to notice patterns in your bets. We don't follow the patterns because we convince ourselves we know better and we have sound logic, and that is what makes us who we are and is one of the requirements of joining the, "I just lost wayyyyy too much money on X form of gambling so now here i am at a much more reasonable stakes game throwing caution and strategy to the wind and getting drunk out of my mind while i try to numb the fact that my children now will have to be happy with eating off the dollar menu for dinner for the next 3 months" Club.

This weekend for example you had a Panthers team that everybody told you was good. I mean Cam Newton (yes he has what 6 wins as a starter?) is the league's greatest player and the defense is sick!. You had the Giants coming off a home loss (like they always do)and going on the road (where they own it) so obviously logic says the Giants losing at home and winning on the road is just a coincidence over a small sample, and the Entertainment (and a little bit of) Sports Programming Network says the Panthers are legit good this year so i gotta go Panthers -2.5.

Except here's the thing, raise your hand if you have tried this logic with the Giants the last 3 years and lost your ass *raises hand*. We have noticed this trend and yet us true degens still went and put our money down on the Panthers and watched in horror as history repeated itself. *insert the "do you know the definition of insanity" quote here*

Trends like this are obivous to us veteran degens who have given up on the hope of being winning bettors long ago. It is only to the well trained degen eye that the Gronk downfall prediction would have been spotted.

Sometimes when things line up perfectly for a player or a bet you just know they are destined to do exactly the opposite. The Packers vs Bears over for example. Or in this case when Gronk started the season meeting his lofty first round pick as a TE expectations through the first two weeks. Welker was being phased out, Hernandez got hurt, and Brady had obviously fallen in love with and been given orders to switch his safety blanket from Welker to Gronk.

And then Bibi Jones happened....

She's a Steelers Spy!!!

Oh Bibi, you amazingly hot yet unenthusiastic "peformer." You "retired" from the industry after getting more famous off a Gronk pic than any of your films. You continued tweeting your slutty pics and name dropping Gronk any time you could until you got....weird. You went back to your real name and got all emo on us but you still had this Gronk connection and Gronk continued to thrive in the games.

Then, on the eve of September 22nd two thousand and twelve Bibi Jones did the unimaginable....she deleted her Twitter account. Poof! Gone! And just like that the golden locks of Hercules aka Gronkowski had been cut. I saw this, i screamed in agony as i saw the future of all my Gronk based teams suddenly losing 15+ points of production a week and falling into the consolation bracket where i pathetically came up short to a team who didn't even start all their players.

I woke up and convinced myself that surely Bibi would not be the downfall of the mighty Gronk and all i had seen was just an overreaction nightmare and not a vision of what was to come.

Sunday played and i had a solid 30 piont lead going into Sunday night with Gronk vs Ray Rice, Grostowsky (Pats Kicker), and Jermicheal Finley. Fast forward and here i am without even a sweat on Monday night as Ray Rice and Grostowsky ourscored 30 points and Gronk.

Gronk finished the night with 3 targets, 2 receptions, and 21 yards. Brady rediscovered Welker and the replacement refs earned the striking refs a BIG raise.

The only thing we can do to reverse the Gronk curse is rally up all the Gronk owners and start a campaign to get Bibi back.

After all she's going to need a new job after the replacement refs are....replaced

And now for the rest of this week's reactions....

The Good:

Jamaal Charles - BEEP BEEP All aboard!!! Charles may not have looked great in the first two weeks - in fact he looked bad - but the Chiefs weren't exactly in a position to let him get it going since they were down 14 - 0 in both games by the time warm-ups were over. Don't expect 532 points a week out of him but he should be a reliable RB1 most weeks.

Larry Fitzgerald - You knew it was coming. Fitz is going to get his (and he was playing me in the degen league so you knew he was going to go off) but the reason i was and still am down on him is his production is going to be so sporatic without a decent QB. Kevin Kolb and Skelton have basically turned Fitzgerald into a Vincent Jackson clone. Highly volatile receivers who will have good/great stats at the end of it but if you owned them you will have no idea how they got those stats as you forget the 5 weeks they owned it and remember the 11 weeks of almost 0 production.

The Bad:

Chris Johnson - Oh how quickly averaging 2.2 ypc vs a soft matchup will take you from the "Trade for" list to the "Bench!!!" list. Really nothing to say here other than wait for the O-Line to hopefully quit sucking and for CJ to have a good game or two before putting him back in your lineup.

Ps Javone Ringer is not the answer. It's not that CJ sucks it's that he's getting hit behind the line of scrimmage too much and the Titans already showed last year they won't make that switch.

Cory Fleener/Donnie Avery - One week does not a fantasy player make. Luck is going to take his lumps and the only sure option is Wayne.

The injured:

Nothing significant i can think of so let's just look at the some of the buttefly affects of the minor ones.

Matty Stafford - Oh look he's getting injured again.

Ahmed Bradsahw - Samesies except it's time to get worried that a time-share is happening here with Brown.

Steven Jackson - Played the whole game and for some reason i feel more secure with him keeping 90% of the carries here than i do with Bradshaw.

Bring Bibi back and we can have more Twitter pics like these

Boxing?

Yup, boxing.

I know this is out of the norm of things you will read here but believe it or not i was a boxing fan much longer than i should have been. I've loved watching Bernard Hopkins, Roy Jones, and Mayweather. Even going back to Tyson when he was good and Tyson when he was biting ears.

I was late on the UFC love fest mostly due to my undying loyalty to boxing. Even still i'm not a huge UFC guy and rarely will talk about anything outside of NFL, MLB, Poker, Degeneracy, and a bit of NBA. However, i -like every other boxing fan still out there- am looking forward to that one last great fight and am well past being angry and in the stage of apathy when it comes to the Pacquiao vs Mayweather super-fight.

Sure there will be other boxers and other big fights in boxing but to be honest, and i think i speak for most sports fans outside of boxing purist when i say this, Pacman vs Mayweather will most likely be the last fight we care about. The curtain call on a great American sport that has transcended social boundaries dating back to the days of Jack Johnson and Jim Crow.  The fact that it has taken this long for boxing to deliver this fight is the exact reason whey boxing is being replaced by UFC who manages to put every fight together the fans ever want.

Having said that, i have been a big time Mayweather supporter. Up until this point i have completely understood Mayweather's concerns with Pac being on PED's. Up until this point i have argued that Mayweather is the bigger draw and deserves the bigger cut (though i am lol wrong about that and def showing my Mayweather homerism there). Up until this point i have thought that it was Pacquiao who was scared of Mayweather, or more accurately scared of being ruining his legacy through the exposure of PED usage.

But after seeing this interview it is now in up to Mayweather to step up. Pacquiao can't do anything else to accept this fight other than sign on the line. (Skip to about 4 minutes)

We don't care about your 6 figure sports bet slips. We don't care about you and 50 cent promoting fights. We don't care about any of that. All we want is our last great super fight. All we want is to see two great fighters deliver a fight before it's too late. Before it turns into the laughing stock of a fight that Hopkins vs Jones 2 turned into when it was 10 years too late. Do it for the fans! Do it for the sport that has given you so much! Do it for the paycheck which you will inevitably blow on sports betting (i can appreciate that) or whatever it is you keep blowing all your money on. We don't care why you do it, but DO IT!!!

Pac has called you out here saying he'll agree to 45-55, the drug testing, and even saying you admitted to him, "What if i lose?" Step up Mayweather. Ball's in your court and the days of public interest and respect for calling you the greatest pound for pound fighter - maybe of all time - are running short.

Five For Friday Week 3

OK, OK our first hiccup where i missed a Thursday blog post but in my defense....F Thursdays! My readers are loyal but obviously i cover the topics so thoroughly and they are so informed that they just don't have many questions to email me. So i'm thinking Thursdays are getting a makeover but i'll wait until next Thursday to unveil it.

So this week a buddy of mine (http://acbarone.blogspot.com/) was doubting my betting prowess and after i tried over and over to save him money he finally needled me into a bet.

The Bet - Bet 1 game a week the next 15 weeks that is my "Lock" of the week and if i finish with a winning record i win the bet, if i finish with a losing record or a breakeven record i lose the bet.

Zzzz easy money right? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

Uh silent but loyal followers, you really need to start getting my back more often with some emails and degenerate support if you want me to keep posting ATM picks for you to keep cashing in on.....

Which leads us to our Five For Friday picks and i'll start with my LOCK

Dallas -8 vs Tampa - Dallas home opener coming off a disappointing loss. Dallas is looking healthy and Tampa is on the road going to Dallas after having been in NY last week. Sure Tampa looked good enough to win in week 1 and had a 4th quarter blow up in week 2 but i am not a believer and mark it down the Cowboys win this game by double digits.

New Orleans -6.5 vs KC - This is it, if the Saints aren't total trash this is where they start winning. They have KC at home. KC can't stop anybody but neither can the Saints. This will be an offensive explosion so get Cassel, Charles, Bowe, Moeaki, Brees, Sproles, Colston, Graham, Moore in there and cash this ticket while your fantasy teams cruise to victory

Minnesota +7 vs San Fran - Hedging a bet against my team? Maybe but this is a good bet. San Fran is not a big margin of victory winner and are spotting a TD on the road. Sure this line of thought didn't work out (ALMOST!!!) last week but it's still sound logic. Add to it that the Niners have had two big games to start the season and I'm thinking they are due for a let down.

Detroit @ Tenn in a Pick 'em game - Locker is still the QB right? Detroit is getting a great "thunder/lightning" RB tandem right? Detroit is coming off a loss and feeling a bit desperate in the stacked NFC Central right? Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Buffalo - 3 @ Cleveland - It's still early in the season so you can put money on the Bills still. I mean i still think that D-Line is going to get after QB's and we saw what Wheeden does with pressure. That plus the Bills offense and take this game to the bank


Last week: 2-2-1
Season: 2-2-1

WTF....

Why not?

10 team PPR league. This is the infamous league in which i slept through the first two rounds only to wake up, log on, and see that i had drafted Gronk and Graham with my first two picks. The rest of my roster now looks like this

QB - Eli Manning
RB - Steven Jackson
RB - Ahmed Bradshaw
WR - Reggie Wayne
WR - Danny Amendola
TE - Gronk
Flex - Jimmy Graham

Now aside from not having any roster flexibility with Graham or Gronk constantly filling the TE/Flex positions i kinda like my team. I mean Eli is a rollercoaster but should put up points. SJax and Bradshaw are solid PPR backs but neither is a #1 guy and are more solid 2's. Wayne is looking like a legit low end #1 or high end 2 and Amendola is low end 2 or high end 3. Then i have the best TE and most consistent Flex in the league.

My bench is filled with high upside guys and one guy who the jury is still out on

BJGE
DeSean Jackson
Mike Leshoure
Randall Cobb
Jacquizz Rodgers
Kendall Hunter
Darryl Richardson

So i like my starters and BJGE and DeSean Jackson can fill in on bye weeks very nicely and then lottery tickets the rest of the way down.

The problem i had with this lineup is there is no upside. The entire roster is basically grinders so if the team i am playing that week has a big week from a player or two i am basically toast b/c my team has no upside. These guys are just going to go out and put up about 120 points every week and if you can beat that you win.

It's like the team was built not to lose and if there is one thing in my life i have never done it's play "not to lose."

*Cue Herm Edwards*

"YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!!!"

Thanks Herm

So i set out looking for trade partners who had slumping players with big ceiling and low basements.

A couple guys were on my radar and i know their owners like to trade.

Chris Johnson and Jamaal Charles topped the list and i set out ot make offers.

I offered up BJGE for CJ2K straight up and the CJ2K owner snap called so i didn't like that but i got my guy without much effort.

Then i was going to let it be except now i hear the owner of Charles is out there looking for WR's and i Jackson sitting on my bench begging me to trade him. Plus he's had a couple good games and Charles obviously has not.

I floated that offer out there and am waiting to hear back.

My thinking is this.....It's only week 2 people!

If you had told me two weeks ago i would have a roster of

Eli
Charles
CJ2K
Wayne
Amendola
Gronk
Graham

I'd have literally shit myself. Like literally i would have dropped my pants, laid on my back and done a celebratory shitting all over myself....not that i'm into that.

Owners are panicking this year it seems and I'm going to risk looking stupid or winning my leauge. When you make trades like these those are really the only two outcomes.

So go out there, target these scared owners, and PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!!!



*editors note*.....(ha, that's me too)

I just played my first weekend on draftday.com and had a 75% roi. I'll repost the link for your gaming pleasure when i get home, but seriously get in on this and if you are already in on it let me know and i'll start dedicating some blog space to it.

Banners are fun!! Click it, sign up, make monies!

OH CHRIST!!!!

I dont know how i did it but somehow Tier Ranking Tuesdays is below the Monday blog.....

Maniac Overreaction Monday

Fantasy football season is just 15, 16 weeks of overreactions. So every Monday we are going to knee jerk react to the Sunday games and ride the tidal wave like we are Keanu Reeves in Point Break or *insert your favorite surfer movie here* until we are covered in Fantasy Football Chapionship Glory!

So lets start with....

The Good

Best WR

AMENDOLA!!! - I've been pretty high on him all year and these first two weeks only prove that he may be the next Welker (more on him later). 15 catches and 6000 yards every week may not happen but in PPR leagues he very well could be a top 10 WR at the end of the year

Best RB in the league!!!

C.J. Spiller - Maybe I should stay away from Bills RBs. Two or three years ago I drafted Fred Jackson late because he was so obviously more dynamic than Lynch. Wrong!

Then two years ago I drafted Spiller thinking the Bills drafting him in round one indicated they didn't want him to rot on the bench. Wrong again!

Last year I took Spiller late as one of my lottery ticket backs and it paid off big at the end of the year, but this year the secret was out and I wasn't willing to draft him where he was going.

Imagine how happy I was to see Fred Jackson go down in week 1 and Spiller looked amazing in relief. Now multiply that by 1,000, take 15 years of fantasy football aggression, and imagine how happy I am.

Best quarter ever played by a QB

Eli Manning - I felt coming into the year Eli was the last elite QB you could get. Brady is gonna Brady, Rodgers gonna Rodgers, I'm not big on Cam (yes even after he treated the Saints D like Mandingo treats Belladonna....The Saints are going to be Belladonna A LOT this season)

The Bad

Let's just get this out of the way, Wes Welker is done son. After week 1 a buddy of mine asked me if he should panic that Brady didn't look Welker's way. I told him to stay calm it's only 1 week and Welker is still Welker and Brady is still Brady.

I then watched in horror as my survival pool ended in week 2 and Brady again did not look Welker's way and Addleman took reps from Welker.

Here's my theory...

Billy B doesn't like paying players. Welker was a nobody who was cut by the Dolphins and Billy put him in the Pats system and made him a quasi star.

Now Welker is negotiating a contract saying, "Billy brah, look how good I am!!!" and then Belichick was like, *pops hoodie and stares at Welker with an unimpressed look...*

After the meeting Bill goes to Brady, "I gotta talk to you about a thing..."

"What kinda thing we talkin about?"

"That Welker thing..."

"Oh that thing"

"Yeah maybe you should start throwing the ball elsewhere because he won't be around forever..."

What I'm saying is....PANIC!!!!
Trade Welker for 10c on the dollar to any sucker who still believes!!!! Gogogogo!!!!

The injured

Aaron Hernandez - yayyyyy for Gronk owners like me!!!! Sad face for people who thought they could get an elite TE late.

Loyal readers, don't sit back and think logically about these things. Fantasy football is not a game if logic and reasoning! It is a game of rapid reactions where every incident and bump in the roads it catastrophic.

Get out of here! Go! Trade! Hit those waivers and save your season!!!

Tier Ranking Tuesday!!!

It's time for the first installment of tier ranking Tuesdays and to be honest i have no clue how to intro this. In fact i debated writing this blog at work but was too lazy, then i came home and my wife made some egg plant parmesan and i was like, "OMG this is good..." Then i gorged on it until i was about to pass out and went over to the couch.

As i laid on the couch Al Bundy style i did what most 30 year old dads working an "it'll do" job do, i reminisced about days long gone that probably weren't as great as i remember them being and the harsh realities of sports induced heart break. I thought about the little league championship game we lost when i was 9 and we were clearly the best team. I thought about the high school JV football team that would have won state the next two years had they not opened a new high school my junior year and divided us in half. I thought about my army days and Vegas card playing days and how those career choices came up a bit short.

Then i remembered, this is why we play fantasy football. It's because every year it's a chance to have that one year where we say, "OK my life....err team sucks this year, but next year is a do-over and i'm def taking player x and then owning the draft and league. EAT IT!!!" With that much motivation how could i not wake up from my food induced coma and write this blog?

QB's - Look everybody, lets know worry about Brady or Rodgers yet. Was it a good idea to draft them in the first round? I'm leaning no. Are they still going to put up good/great seasons? Most likely. The rest of the names here are guys that were on the cusp and after two weeks look like the real deal. I still doubt RJ III finishes on this list but then again i was the only Cam Newton hater on the planet last year and this year. On the other hand Matt Ryan and the Falcons offense appears to have made that leap. 

Tier 1

Tom Brady

Aaron Rodgers

RJ III

Matt Ryan 

Drew Brees

Tier 2

Cam Newton

Matty Stafford

Eli Manning

Tony Romo 

Phillip Rivers

Tier 3

Sam Bradford 

Big Ben

Matt Cassel

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Tier "JFC Why did i join  16 team league?!??!?!"

Alex Smith

Andrew Luck

Andy Dalton

Streamer's pick

Matt Cassel - Love his match-up this week. On the road in the match-up of whose defenses can give up the most points the quickest. Cassel is a bit slept on (only owned in 32% of leagues) but will put up pretty consistent numbers since his team is always trailing by double digits and he has weapons all over the field (Bowe, Baldwin, Moeaki, Charles). 

RB's - What a wild ride it's been with running backs so far. Seriously has one running back put together two above average games yet? 

Tier 1

Arian Foster

Ray Rice

LeSean McCoy (Not giving up on him yet)

CJ Spiller? Really? We'll see

Tier 2

Reggie Bush

Darren Sproles (Have i mentioned i only recognize ppr as real fantasy football?)

Frank Gore (Making me look dumb for drafting Kendall Hunter in all those leagues)

Steven Ridley (Oh yay! Another guy i look to have been woefully wrong about)

Run DMC 

MJD

Demarco Murray

Doug Martin

BJGE

Adrian Peterson

Marshawn Lynch

Willis McGahee

Tier 3 aka "The rest"

Steven Jackson

Ahmed Bradshaw

Ben Tate (lol at how fast he jumps to tier 1 if Foster tweaks a hammy)

CJ1.2YPC *Side Note* I'm going all out to trade for him in every league i'm in. Buy low people, buy low...and right now i have seen him going for BJGE and i'll trade my 6th round pick for 1st round talent ALL DAY!

1Handcuff1WaiverWirePickup1Cup(of gin and tonic).com

Jacquizz Rodgers - What's that? Michael Turner is a dumbshit and decided to get a DUI? Oh and he doesn't fit into the new high flying Falcons offense anyway? 

Mike Leshoure - DO IT! Did you not see how the Lions kept trying to run the ball on the best run defense in the NFL over and over again? And now they are getting back Leshoure who could be a beast with D-Coordinators pissing their pants at having to quadruple team Megatron.

WR's - WR's fluctuate so much and are so deep this year it's only worth breaking into 1 tier.....so i'll just rank them in the order i man crush them until i run out of....man crushes. 

Tier 1 - Man crushes

Calvin Johnson

Roddy White

Julio Jones

Hakeem Nicks

Brandon Marshall - (yes i know)

Percy Harvin

Steve Smith (though it feels like Lefell might be overtaking him at some point this season)

Victor Cruz (how am i still not a believer?)

Reggie Wayne

Antonio Brown (I BELIEVE!!!!)

OK, I lied i don't just man crush everybody. The thing is i didnt find that out until i started ranking them on paper....so here we go, these guys on tier 2 still need to be started

Tier 2 - WR's with benefits

Andre Johnson

Malcom Floyd

Vincent Jackson

Demaryius Thomas

Danny AMENDOLA!!!! (In my heart you will always be on the "Man Crush" Tier but in reality

Larry Fitzgerald (Guess that's what happens when you dont have a QB)

Marques Colston

DeSean Jackson

Brandon Lloyd

*it just occured to me these might not be in order after-all....sorry about that but i'm not fixing it....maybe next week i wont fly off the cuff with these*

Steve Johnson

Dwayne Bowe

Miles Austin

Dez Bryant

AJ Green

Tier 3 - Slump Busters

Greg Jennings

Demarius Moore

Jordy Nelson

Mike Wallace

Brandon Lefell

Kenny Britt

Lance Moore

Donnie Avery 

Eric Decker

Kenny Britt

Sidney Rice

Pierre Garcon

TE's - We're about to get real damn lazy with TE's here

Gronk!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy Graham!!!!!!!

Everybody else!!!!!!!

Sleeper pick - Moeaki (see Cassel, Matt QB)

Kicker 

Lol, kickers

Just go get the Ram's kicker with the "Z" name if he's still out there

DST

Your guess is as good as mine, i added the Raiders in most of my leagues last week

Good luck loyal blog readers, may the odds be forever in your favor (what movie did i steal that from?)

Uh oh...

It's Friday!!! I went to work today and instead of working i picked out my top 5 bets for the weekend as promised. Then i came home and remembered about this site i wanted to get on board with. So naturally here i am, farting around with the site, being my usual degenerate self and i have left my loyal blog readers waiting for my picks.

What's the site i got sidetracked by you ask? Well it's Draftday.com and I just became an affiliate. Meaning if you go to draftday and enter the code "ahhhhhsht" in the promo you probably get some awesome stuff along with my lifelong admiration knowing that you are also a degenerate gambler. Draftday.com is for those of you who did not take my advice during your yearly fantasy league drafts and now you are sitting on your couch thinking, "Man my team sucks, i wish i had listened to ahhhhhsht. But now i'm stuck with this pos for the rest of the year." Worry not loyal blog reader now you can go to draftday.com and pick a new team every week. You can play one on one vs a friend or random. You can play vs 10 people, you can play vs literally thousands of people and try to hit it big.

To be honest this will be my first week doing it but i dont see how it can't be awesome. And if you start a private game and want me to beat that ass, email me the details at ahhhhhsht@gmail.com and i'll come show you how it's done.

Here's the link to the site:

Daily Fantasy Sports

So with that intro to this awesomeness out of the way I'm going to write up these Five For Friday picks up quick. Don't think too much about them, just read, write them down, bet the mortgage on these locks, and cash the tickets on Monday.

1) NE - 13.5 vs Arizona: Literally the only game i want to go against this week. I mean i really want to go against it. If you "forget" one of these bets let it be this one. Over 75% of the public money, Bill Simmons likes it, and I like it = a sure fire loser. Yet i am a glutton for punishment so i'll bet a paycheck on it.

2) NYG - 7 vs TB: Giants don't want to start 0-2. They are at home and TB sucks. They'll cover this no problem. And Eli had a "meh" game last week which means he's going to beast it this week. (And for the love of god my fantasy teams need him and Bradshaw to go off since i fell in love with Randall Cobb this week)

3) NO - 2.5 @ Carolina: Have i mentioned i'm the last non Cam Newton believer alive? I dunno i hate laying points on the road. I know the Saints are shaky and looked like hell in week 1....at home....Still i have to run my head into the wall a few times before i learn.

4) Houston - 7 @ JVille: Did i just coin the term JVille? Either way lol Jags until proven otherwise and the Texans were the best team in football last year until they got destroyed by injuries.

5) Detroit + 7 @ SF: Full disclosure, i am a Niners fan. I am a bit of a pessimist when it comes to my teams/the Niners and i think they are due for a regression this year. That said the Niners win by defense and not making mistakes so any time they are giving a TD to a good team i am taking the points and hoping the Niners win a close one.

Enjoy!

No Messages Thursday

1 day notice and no emails so we're just going to roll with this. So a week after the draft we all have a spot or two we'd like to shore up, most likely at rb or wr. So instead of ripping off @matthewberrytmr or @billsimmons mail bags we're going to talk about some under the radar pick ups i've been making in my leagues.

This isn't another article telling you to go get Alfred Morris or Kevin Ogletree off waivers. Even the worst fantasy players put in claims for them. This is for after the waiver dust has settled and you have moved up in the waiver order but still want a nice speculative pickup.

OK OK enough talk lets get this started.

RB's

Mike Leshoure, Det - It's make or break time in this young RB's career. He has been injured and suspended and Detroit has seen that RB's with ability can thrive in this pass first offense. But the Lions have to know Kevin Smith is not the answer and Javad Best is done son so that leaves Leshoure to steal some TD's from Megatron and pick up the occasional Lions rushing yards.

Jaquiz Rodgers, Atl - Turner is old and can't catch the ball - as you all would know if you were playing the only acceptable form of fantasy football, PPR - and the Falcons are trying to turn into a vertical offense. If Turner shows up with a blood blister they may sit him and let Rodgers get into the offense.

Mike Goodson, Oak - I LOVE Run DMC. I have since he came in the league and i proclaimed he was the next Adrian Peterson. And every year i have thought was his year to be a top 3 back. And every year he has ran like one and then got hurt. So maybe i'm hedging my bet here and trying to reverse jinx it but he's going to get hurt and miss games this year and Oakland has proven to be a good running team for the last few years. A lot of people are loving Tawain Jones but when it came time for a few extra carries during the game it was Goodson


WR's

Randall Cobb, GB - Jennings is hurt and has secretly sucked for 2 years now. Cobb is so explosive they are experimenting with him in the backfield and obviously still on returns just to get the ball in his hands. This could easily go to James Jones or i could have been cheap and put them both on the list but James Jones has had butterfingers every time he has had a chance and the Pack legit tried not to resign him so you gotta go Cobb here.

Alshon Jeffery, Chi - Somebody has to be #2 to Brandon Marshall right? Cutler looked SERIOUS in week 1, and this is coming from an avid Cutler hater. Jefferey is big and looked like he was already somewhat comfortable with Cutler

The start of a new mission....

WTF Wednesdays!!!

So here we go, who's ready for another blog post proclaiming all these things I'm "definitely going to start doing regularly" and then most likely....not? Here's the thing...i, like most people, believe that i am better than "average" at most things i do. I quote average there because if you ask 1,000 people if they are average intelligence or better, 20,000 will tell you yes. Count me in as one of the masses on that i suppose. If you ask me i am above average at everything i do ranging from poker, to academics, to sports, to fantasy sports, and parenting. And here we are in the beginning of the football season so my mind is obsessed with reading real and fantasy sports non-stop and of course degenerate sports betting.

As i sit back and read these articles i think, "Come on man! That's common sense." And, "I could write a funnier, more informative article than that." I mean i like to write. I like sports. I like fantasy sports. I may be the greatest fantasy sports player of our generation. F it! Lets get it on paper. So for the foreseeable (foreseeable meaning potentially just this once) future i have an outline of articles i am going to write Monday - Friday and in typical ahhhhhsht fashion i have decided to start a week into the season on a Wednesday.

The outline looks like this:

Maniac Overreaction Mondays -  This is where i rant about a players' poor performances and knee jerk react to basically all of Sunday's games.

Tier Rankings Tuesdays -  Here i will have settled down from overreaction Monday and will rank the positions by tier (probably top 25 by position, most likely less)

WTF Wednesdays -  Just a straight rant day. Most Wednesdays I'd expect to be about my teams and how unlucky i am. Like for instance i won all my leagues except two this week. One was my first auction and i had the pleasure of having Fred Jackson and my QB sucked/sucks (Jack Locker and Andrew Luck). And the other loss of the week was 120.4 to 120.1. I had a 2 point lead going into Monday night with Robert Meachem vs Janikowski and all my WR's on my bench would have won me the game had they started instead of Meachem. I was also the 2nd highest scoring team in my division this week so weeeeeeeeeeeeeee for that horribleness. Lucky for you this WTF Wednesday is totally aimed at letting you know my new and improved writing plan.

Taking Questions Thursdays - Here i will answer email questions. You can email me at ahhhhhsht@gmail.com with any question about any topic and you will get the ahhhhhsht answer. Now don't take this the wrong way loyal ahhhhhsht.blogspot.com readers but i dont expect my email to fill up for Taking Questions Thursdays so i will be blatantly ripping off less talented but more listened to sportswriters/podcasters and answer those....with full credit for the question going to those sources obviously.

Five for Friday - Fridays i will do like i did last season and talk about my five best NFL bets for the weekend.

                                                                                                                  *Warning*                                                                                                         *Warning*
There will be no more scantily clad women pictures.....seriously.....i mean it.....We are going for content here people!!! No more gimmicks to get views on the blog

OK, now i mean it!!!

3 Weeks Off....

And then I got snapped back to reality. Grantland.com recently had an open competition where they asked for max 750 word submissions of our top 5 fantasy picks for the upcoming season and one sleeper.

I wrote mine, read it over, and concluded that it was definitely going to be picked and then I'd be nationally read as I (and 9 or 11 other writers) competed in a fantasy football league/writing competition which I would obviously win.

After winning a one year guest writer spot on grantland I would get national recognition, picked up by espn, steal Matthew Berry's job, laugh at him, and then be on easy street.

Having mapped all this out while waiting for grantland to contact me telling me I was one of the writers advancing I was quite surprised when the deadline passed and I was not contacted.

I frantically checked my email but nothing. I checked twitter and saw that they had announced the winners. Odd, grantland had announced the winners and neither my twitter nor phone was blowing up.

I checked the article and there they were, 10 names and not one of them mine. I cri...I mean read the article for for the next ten minutes, my mind fluctuating between suicidal thoughts and maniacal laughter while I muttered, "There must be a mistake. They wanted me. THEY NEED ME!"

After I calmed down I decided I would just go back to my loyal blog readers and only they would get to enjoy the writings of my extreme fantasy and all things degenerate knowledge.

So without further introduction, here is my masterpiece to kick off the fantasy football draft mania weekend.

Fantasy Island

I read that Grantland.com is looking for a fantasy football sportswriter. Well I am neither good at fantasy sports nor writing, but from reading most fantasy writers and Grantland articles I figure that makes me a shoe-in.

The assignment: In no more than 750 words, give my top-five fantasy players of the 2012 NFL season and one sleeper for this season.

After reading this I sat on the man throne and thought for about 30 seconds which way I wanted to go with this. Would I write a serious, facts driven article that would give the readers an edge over the competition? Nope. Would I pick the bottom of depth chart guys and try to justify it by talking their teams through ridiculously bad luck scenarios where bench warmers became superstars? Maybe, but then I’d actually have to look at NFL depth charts and do some homework.

Instead I will give the readers exactly what I am going into my drafts with: little to no facts and a whole lot of gamble. Because let’s be honest fantasy football column readers, we aren’t looking for information, and if you are it’s easy enough to find. What we who haven’t won a fantasy league since the Clinton Administration are looking for is an excuse. We are looking for an excuse to why our teams are stuck in mediocrity, clinging to the hope that if we win out, and this team, that team, and the other team lose these games, then we are in the playoffs. And even more importantly we are looking for a person to berate for their horrible predictions in a game that is completely unpredictable and luck based. We are looking for a person to ridicule and wonder, “How did they get their job writing about fantasy sports?!?! I would own them in a league!!!” So before I run out of words, here are my top-five fantasy players and one sleeper for this fantasy football season. Let me have a chance to be that excuse, to be that punching bag…LET ME BE RIDICULED!!!

1) Ray Rice – Mr. Dependable. All he does is put up monster year after monster year as one of a handful of lead backs on a team with a questionable QB, good O-Line, and a coach that doesn’t mind running the ball 20’ish times a game. I’ll take him over Chris “I may run for 2k yards or I may be an absolute bust again” Johnson and the slew of other RB’s who have huge question marks this year.

2) LeSean McCoy – Same as Rice, he just puts up huge numbers every year. If you are in a PPR league, even if you aren’t, these are your top two picks. RB’s still win fantasy football leagues and these are the only two you can count on.

3) Aaron Rodgers – Man, this pains me. Let me explain a bit here. I am not from Wisconsin originally but somehow ended up here in Packers’ country. I have a message for all of you in the Cheese State, “THE PACKERS ARE NOT ALL THERE IS IN THE NFL!!!” OK, having said that, Rodgers is a beast, and the Packers don’t have a running game but do have 500 awesome receivers.

4) Tom Brady – Brandon Lloyd, Welker, Josh McDaniels, no running game, GRONK!!!! (Who is not only a beast but will be the leading fantasy player in fantasy team names). Hot wife. Nuff’ said.

5) Michael Vick – Remember last year with all the talk about how Vick was the 11th top rated RB in 2010 even if you didn’t count his passing yards and he should be the first player selected? Well DeSean Jackson mailed in 2011, Jeremy Maclin was sick with something horrible, and Vick had an off year, and now he’s not being mentioned? Vick is officially on my “Drafted a year too early and now the next year you won’t draft him but you will sit there and say, ‘SEE!!! SEE!!!’ As he reels off monster game after monster game,” list.

Sleeper – Felix Jones! Last year I drafted Jones as my RB 1. He was a bust…again. And this year I am putting him on the same list as Vick. Remember when Demarco Murray was healthy in college? Oh right. Well at least he was healthy in his rookie year…oops never mind. This is Jones’ year, because it’s the year after I said it would be his year and the fantasy gods hate me.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.....for degenerates

Let me start off by saying that i hate the title of this blog post. I mean don't get me wrong it reflects how i feel about this time of the year and all but that fact that it is even remotely associated with Christmas makes me want to puke.

Now I'm not a big holiday person. I genuinely hate opening gifts because i feel like the spotlight is on me and i never like the presents i get. It's weird because i am such a good gifter and i am so easy to read. Just get me something cool people!!! I mean that or lets just get it out there and agree to not give anything to each other. Of course my friends would never want to do that because then they would be losing out on an awesome gifting buddy whom they can get some pos gift for and always know they are getting something awesome.

I had my wife getting close to agreeing to say f the holidays and instead of participating in the Christmas shopping and exchanging and family fighting we could take our holiday budget and go to Hawaii, or Jamaica, or St. Thomas, or Catalina Island...you know somewhere much more awesome than Madison, WI in the winter.

Then she went and got pregnant. So last Christmas was, "Lets start awesome traditions for the baaaaaaaabbbbbby" Christmas. And obviously i saw the trainwreck this was turning into but the sucker in me pictured winning against the odds and it being the start of ideal holiday seasons that would last my kids entire life. We'd come together and exchange gifts and eat good food and everybody would laugh and hug and shit as the kids jokingly shook their heads every Christmas morning while mommy and daddy had one too many cocktails.

Of course as every holiday season does and as i knew this one would it turned into fighting and hurt feelings because "I got so and so this and that and they didn't send their gift on time and OMG it's f%**$# used gift cards bla bla bla." Then it was misreable out, but not because it was too cold but because it was just a mildly cold, no snow, everything is just brown and dead holiday season.

Then after all was said and done and the dust was settling on the fighting i had the pleasure of being reminded how little was left in the bank but at least i got to enjoy some time on the beach in the middle of winter and escape with a nice vaca....oh right.

So this is the time of year i enjoy. The time of the year when i and millions of other degenerates start believing we are winning sports bettors again.

It means it's the time of the year for us to not just believe we are winning sports bettors, but winning bettors at the sport in which the average joe has the least edge against the casino, football betting season is here.

It means despite the fact that 95% of the time i realize i am a horrible sports bettor. ESPECIALLY when we are talking football there will be a spot or two this season where i go on a hot streak and envision myself going on an awesome run on bodog, excuse me "Bovada" and despite their odds i cover myself in online riches only to be unable to cash out and cursing the DOJ in a one too many Ale Asylum: Contorter Porter rants on this very blog.

What can i say? Degens gonna degen

More importantly than the sports betting though it is also time for fantasy football. And you know what that means?

It means it's time for me to do an insane amount of mock drafts and completely ignore my wife and kid.

It means it's time for the Fantasy Flyers to OWN the draft and then be cursed by bad luck.

It means it's time for a certain blogger to run his mouth even as he sees his ship to fantasy football championship glory sailing away.

It means it's time to flush another season's worth of buy-ins down the toilet and just write them off as lost sports bets. YES!!!

It means it's time for me to post a lot of pictures of scantily clad women in sports gear while my wife shakes her head in disgust at all the downloaded pictures saved to my desktop.

It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year

Deadlines!!!!

Hopefully not always will.....right Theo?!?!?

I had been considering writing some posts before and during the MLB trade deadline that would have been awesome but instead i decided to become obsessed with Sid Miers Civilization V so hooray for that.

What you will undoubtedly be happy to hear is that i have decided i am restarting this blog but this time it's just going to be me rambling on once a week minimum about whatever i want to ramble about. So I'm starting my deadlines for posting a new blog post (lets say every Monday morning there will be a new post) and this first one which i am posting on Thursday is 3 1/2 days late. Yeah, awesome start Eric and we're moving on.

So here we are a few days after the trade deadline and all i have to say is GOD I HATE BEING  A CUBS FAN!!!

I mean lol at how unlucky they were again. Truth be told i still think they did alright. I mean Arodys Vizcaino has a floor of an above average closer and a ceiling of a 1 or 2 SP so I'll take that. But when you consider the plan Theo and Co. had in place it just baffles me how things could manage to go so wrong.

It was obvious the wheels were coming off when Dempster tweeted that the trade to the Braves, a team which he approved being traded to, for Randall Delgado was not official and then the Braves responded by pulling the offer off the table. Now the Cubs recovered and ended up trading Maholm and Reed Johnson for Vizcaino who before the year i liked a lot better than Delgado and whom i still like better despite the former undergoing Tommy John surgery. Still this was a classic moment where you realize things just aren't going to go the Cubs' way.

I started to get really depressed when the Cubs did nothing for a week or so thinking they had given up and we'd be stuck with all our vets and not be ramping up our minor leagues at all. When Garza got injured i considered suicide, then switching teams, but in the end the Cubs optimism came out and i thought, "Hey, the injury isn't so serious a team will probably give us less for him than before his injury but he's still a very valuable commodity.)

Then i woke up the day before the deadline and saw the Cubs had traded with the Braves except it was Maholm and Reed Johson for Vizcaino, nice. Oh look at this the Cubs traded Soto to the Rangers for some mid-range prospect, nice again.

I was hopeful the Cubs would make something happen with either Dempster or Garza with Soriano to the Dodgers for one of their top two pitching prospects but that didn't happen. In the final hour Dempster decided to quit being an asshole and accepted a trade to the Rangers in which the Cubs got a couple mid-level prospects so that'll do.

In the end Theo is still a god and i love the direction the Cubs are going. Garza didn't get moved but the Cubs have a nice problem to think about in trying to move him for some prospects over the winter or signing him long term and making him a cornerstone. It would be nice to see the Cubs unload Soriano through a waiver trade (he will obviously clear waivers due to his horrid contract) and get a meh prospect out of the deal/save a few million. It would have been nice for the Cubs to unload Lahair to ramp up the minors a bit more and give a couple young OF'ers a shot (Campana, Jackson, etc) but in the end given the obstacles it was a good deadline for the Cubs.

Thre thre thre thread saver:

Dear god. Can't a blogger take a tiny break and not come back to a complete revamping of his blogging site? OK, so it was a bit more than a tiny break but still WTF IS THIS?

So I am sure all my loyal readers have been anxiously awaiting my next blog post and wondering what was going on in the incredibly dull life of a 9-5 worker who used to play low/mid stakes full ring NLHE in both the live and online arenas but now doesn't play hardly at all and has nothing of substance to say on really anything other than cloth diapers and baby shit.

After the horrendous sports betting incident this blog accidentally tailed off on when i got the degenerate itch that could no longer be scratched online and i was too busy to scratch at the local casino i went into a few months strike against.....well against everything.

Between working full time, going to school full time, and trying to raise a daughter without her finding out how much of a degenerate her dad is and giving her massive daddy issues that leads to her bringing in my worst nightmaer.......a 16 year old version of me, I havent had much time to do any good gambling of any form. That is until something horrible happened (and by horrible i mean absolutely fucking amazing but want to disguise that so that if my wife reads this she wont know that i LOVED this....tragedy).

My wife and daughter went to visit the in-laws in California for 4 days. Sweet baby Jesus wearing a tuxedo shirt YES!!!

At first i had some great visions of an impromptu Vegas trip but then i realized i don't have it like that financially anymore. Then i thought i would go to the Indiana casino and realized i wanted to not just play some poker but catch up on a year's worth of horrible sleeping baby interrupted sleep. Then i thought i would just take the 1 and 1/2 hr drive to Milwaukee when i wanted a session and come back to Madison for my sleep sessions. Then something crazy happened....i tried going to the local casino which i had heard had those automated poker tables instead of live dealers.

OMG!!! These games are disgustingly good. The play is just atrocious and even the regs can be seen limp calling horrible ranges of hands and stacking with top pair/no kicker hands. It is the perfect pitch and catch bet your good hands hard and cash your check. I played 10 sessions and had one small loser doing this strategy.

Then today happened. It wasn't an epic meltdown but i definitely did not play well. I did something i haven't done since i stopped playing a lot of live poker. I went to the poker room with an hour or so to kill before class and tried to play like one of you loose aggressive players. I was raising too many pots pre and trying to play an overly bluffy/aggressive style post flop against stations while using my meh reading skills.

2.5 buy ins later i left the house rehashing two of the basic fundamentals i preached 2 or 3 years ago in this blog....Play within yourself and dont rush the game.


Blog entry saver: