3 Weeks Off....

And then I got snapped back to reality. Grantland.com recently had an open competition where they asked for max 750 word submissions of our top 5 fantasy picks for the upcoming season and one sleeper.

I wrote mine, read it over, and concluded that it was definitely going to be picked and then I'd be nationally read as I (and 9 or 11 other writers) competed in a fantasy football league/writing competition which I would obviously win.

After winning a one year guest writer spot on grantland I would get national recognition, picked up by espn, steal Matthew Berry's job, laugh at him, and then be on easy street.

Having mapped all this out while waiting for grantland to contact me telling me I was one of the writers advancing I was quite surprised when the deadline passed and I was not contacted.

I frantically checked my email but nothing. I checked twitter and saw that they had announced the winners. Odd, grantland had announced the winners and neither my twitter nor phone was blowing up.

I checked the article and there they were, 10 names and not one of them mine. I cri...I mean read the article for for the next ten minutes, my mind fluctuating between suicidal thoughts and maniacal laughter while I muttered, "There must be a mistake. They wanted me. THEY NEED ME!"

After I calmed down I decided I would just go back to my loyal blog readers and only they would get to enjoy the writings of my extreme fantasy and all things degenerate knowledge.

So without further introduction, here is my masterpiece to kick off the fantasy football draft mania weekend.

Fantasy Island

I read that Grantland.com is looking for a fantasy football sportswriter. Well I am neither good at fantasy sports nor writing, but from reading most fantasy writers and Grantland articles I figure that makes me a shoe-in.

The assignment: In no more than 750 words, give my top-five fantasy players of the 2012 NFL season and one sleeper for this season.

After reading this I sat on the man throne and thought for about 30 seconds which way I wanted to go with this. Would I write a serious, facts driven article that would give the readers an edge over the competition? Nope. Would I pick the bottom of depth chart guys and try to justify it by talking their teams through ridiculously bad luck scenarios where bench warmers became superstars? Maybe, but then I’d actually have to look at NFL depth charts and do some homework.

Instead I will give the readers exactly what I am going into my drafts with: little to no facts and a whole lot of gamble. Because let’s be honest fantasy football column readers, we aren’t looking for information, and if you are it’s easy enough to find. What we who haven’t won a fantasy league since the Clinton Administration are looking for is an excuse. We are looking for an excuse to why our teams are stuck in mediocrity, clinging to the hope that if we win out, and this team, that team, and the other team lose these games, then we are in the playoffs. And even more importantly we are looking for a person to berate for their horrible predictions in a game that is completely unpredictable and luck based. We are looking for a person to ridicule and wonder, “How did they get their job writing about fantasy sports?!?! I would own them in a league!!!” So before I run out of words, here are my top-five fantasy players and one sleeper for this fantasy football season. Let me have a chance to be that excuse, to be that punching bag…LET ME BE RIDICULED!!!

1) Ray Rice – Mr. Dependable. All he does is put up monster year after monster year as one of a handful of lead backs on a team with a questionable QB, good O-Line, and a coach that doesn’t mind running the ball 20’ish times a game. I’ll take him over Chris “I may run for 2k yards or I may be an absolute bust again” Johnson and the slew of other RB’s who have huge question marks this year.

2) LeSean McCoy – Same as Rice, he just puts up huge numbers every year. If you are in a PPR league, even if you aren’t, these are your top two picks. RB’s still win fantasy football leagues and these are the only two you can count on.

3) Aaron Rodgers – Man, this pains me. Let me explain a bit here. I am not from Wisconsin originally but somehow ended up here in Packers’ country. I have a message for all of you in the Cheese State, “THE PACKERS ARE NOT ALL THERE IS IN THE NFL!!!” OK, having said that, Rodgers is a beast, and the Packers don’t have a running game but do have 500 awesome receivers.

4) Tom Brady – Brandon Lloyd, Welker, Josh McDaniels, no running game, GRONK!!!! (Who is not only a beast but will be the leading fantasy player in fantasy team names). Hot wife. Nuff’ said.

5) Michael Vick – Remember last year with all the talk about how Vick was the 11th top rated RB in 2010 even if you didn’t count his passing yards and he should be the first player selected? Well DeSean Jackson mailed in 2011, Jeremy Maclin was sick with something horrible, and Vick had an off year, and now he’s not being mentioned? Vick is officially on my “Drafted a year too early and now the next year you won’t draft him but you will sit there and say, ‘SEE!!! SEE!!!’ As he reels off monster game after monster game,” list.

Sleeper – Felix Jones! Last year I drafted Jones as my RB 1. He was a bust…again. And this year I am putting him on the same list as Vick. Remember when Demarco Murray was healthy in college? Oh right. Well at least he was healthy in his rookie year…oops never mind. This is Jones’ year, because it’s the year after I said it would be his year and the fantasy gods hate me.